Nov 5, 2008

The Crystal Ball that told me things from the Past

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I had been soul searching this past few days. Many of you might know why I am doing it. To find myself once more I read through my older blog entries, even those that dated back in 2006 (that is when I started blogging) in livejournal. Anyway I've discovered and rediscovered myself from reading my older blog entries.

Some entries made me smile, some even made me laughed. Seeing what I have written made me see what I really felt back then. Although it felt awkward, I still continued reading hoping to find new insights on my life as I know it.

Reading those entries made me realize how forgetful I am or at least whatever doesn't affect my present, I can't remember much anymore. For example I didn't know that I used a username "argent" in one of my "lost" blogs. Along with all my older rants on a lot of things, that I can't remember that I have written, I really can't remember why I wrote some of them. Anyway I find that helpful for me because that means that I had moved on from the past.

This brings me to my second realization. Reading through my blog entries made me realize how I evolved in a sense on how I formed my identity. At that time, I was more into anime (like 70% more) than into magic I saw myself from the over anime loving Jordan into the more mature Magician Jordan. Maybe it's just me, whatever I am in to, it influences me and my personality. For example the anime Jordan is idealistic, just like most anime heroes. Becoming the magician made me look at things not as they are. Now I analyze things and see the reality that not all things are ideal, no matter how much you try to make them.

Realizing this I looked at myself again from both my past self , my present self and my future self. I have these characteristics from my past self that has disappeared in my present self. For example I used to believe that everyone is inherently good but now after a few years I have learned to believe that there are people who will use you for their personal gain. Another is before I am the type of person who tackled problems in a way that I swayed with it to avoid conflict. Now I learned how to be headstrong and tackle the problem head on because I learned that being too passive will not get you anywhere. Now I take action so that I won't be left behind.

Of course some characteristics simply just faded away and the bad thing about it is that some of these characteristics are good and could have helped me face my current problems. This the main reason why I tried finding my past, to see how I got through problems that were worse than what I have now. How I wish I could meet my old self and ask him what would he do if I were him.

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